Wednesday, January 23, 2008


Conspiracy Theories:

Tupac is NOT dead:
It doesn't take a genius to look at the short history of Rock n' Roll and see that death (or the appearance thereof) is probably the best business move one can make. Just ask Elvis, John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, and, about 15 or 20 former members of Lynard Skynard. Tupac has come out with 20 albums and 8 Top 10 singles since his "death" in 1996. Even accounting for re-issues such as "Greatest Hits" albums, etc., that's a pretty hefty backlog of "music." (Those quotation marks are intentional, I know what they mean and I stand by them)

Skull and Bones:
This college fraternity/secret society shows up WAAAAAY too often to be a fluke. At one point, all but one of George W. Bush's cabinet were "bonesmen." (That's his Dad, George H.W. Bush to the left of the clock) Whoa. That's a pretty unlikely coincidence given that there are only 15 bonesmen at Yale at any one time. This is just one of those things that chaps my hide. You can also look up the "Bohemian Grove" if you're into this sort of conspiracy theorization.

Pope John Paul I, a.k.a. "The Smiling Pope:"
Not to be confused with John Paul II, this Pope "reigned" for a grand total of 33 days in 1978 before his rather sudden and surprising death at the age of 65. Uh huh. Not surprisingly, he was succeeded by a Pope with very opposite political leanings: John Paul II. Catholicism has some fascinating skeletons in its closet which can only occasionally be just glimpsed.

Princess Diana:
I think she died in a traffic accident, not as a result of some grand conspiracy like some would have you believe. Why are we still investigating this?

Oil Prices:
Yes Virginia, there is a monopoly clause.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


Posting for the sake of doing it.

My thoughts tonight are rather stifled by the Sauce (Pace Picante') so don't expect anything too revolutionary (all two of you who check this bi-monthly). I would simply like to pass on a few words of timeless value:

Manifold:
This is a particularly valuable word since it can be used to illustrate your technical prowess when there is none, which can be handy if you're being paid by the hour. I.E.
"Hey, technically-oriented underling, why won't my WordPerfect reboot its passwords when I internet them into my subwoofer?"
To which an acceptable reply might be:
"You're standing on my Manifold."
(If a non-techy begins what they think is a technical question with the word "why," they generally don't actually want to know "why," per se, they simply want to be certain that you know enough regarding their technical problem to confuse them, so it's best to do it quickly and get back to work. The above line works every time.)

Triumvirate:
This word has been valuable several times when a co-worker breaches that age-old office rule: Thou shalt not discuss any element of thy loserhood that might make thy co-workers awkwardly pause whilst trying to think of a plausible word of encouragement. That conversation happens in this fashion:
(Coworker) "Champy, I just don't think girls like me, maybe it's my armpit dreadlocks or my criminal record, do you think I'm handsome?"
(Me, searching desperately) "Yoooooooouuuuuuu. . . haaaaaaaaave. . . veeeeeeeeerrrrrryyyy. . . healthy. . . bicuspids!"
(Coworker, nodding head, countenance brightening slightly) "Thanks man, you're right. Hey, you think I have a chance of going out with the secretary?"
(Me, using my best Korean accent while pointing to Violet Smith's hovel in the corner): "Ummmm. . . Triumvirate."

Twinkie
Possible the best word in the English language. Use this interchangeably with almost any noun or verb as you would "Smurf." The effects are much more satisfying.